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Report: Washington May Outsource Regime Change

03/15/2004

[Washington DC, April 1] Washington insiders report that the Pentagon is considering outsourcing
regime change operations, bowing to pressure to reduce spending and achieve results.

Consultants point out that the recent effort that culminated in overthrow of the conservative Spanish government, cost a tiny fraction of US expenditures in Afghanistan and Iraq, and will maximize ROI for those who have a stake in getting the US out of Iraq.

"We are the experts, so of course we can do it for less, reducing risk and applying our knowledge
of the industry," said O. Bin Ladin, chairman of a leading regime change Service Provider. "We have the trained and dedicated personnel and the experience to ensure success. We take the risk out of regime change. We guarantee to bring about any regime or policy change desired. Give us 10 years, and all the women in Spain will be wearing veils."

"When you consider the big picture, outsourcing is is the way to go, says Ima Beancounter of the US Government General Accounting Office. "It makes sense. If you call to get support for your PC, the call is likely to be answered by someone in Bombay. In today's modern competitive business world, globalization allows us to make optimum use of goods and services and benefits the consumer. There is no reason why it shouldn't benefit taxpayers too. Regime change in Spain cost less than the price of the paper clips allowance for Paul Bremer's operation in Iraq."

"In today's modern hectic business world, everyone needs outsourcing to stay competitive," says market research consultant Cli Shay. "Outsourcing is a proven business model that maximizes ROI and flexibility, minimizes risk and maximizes competitiveness. Each organization can specialize in what it knows how to do best. It's a real win-win situation.

"Private enterprise is the American way," says Pentagon advisor Knee O'Conn. "Government operations are always wasteful and expensive, he added. "We are already using private firms to train the Iraqi army, why not outsource the whole operation?"

President Bush responded warmly to the idea. "This is just the sort of thing I've been talking about. Private industry and know-how can get things done. They don't get bogged down in regulations and partisan politics and bureaucracy. And best of all, this is isn't just private industry. It's a combination of private enterprise and my other favorite program, faith-based initiative. This is certainly a shining example of how faith and private enterprise can transform the world."

According to a report by a leading industry analysis group, outsourcing of regime change is likely to be a major growth industry in coming years. Spending on regime change may reach $100 billion by 2010, represent an annual turnover of up to 20 regimes. COGS (Cost of Goods) per unit is is well under $1 million, representing a huge profit potential. Even with these huge profit margins, taxpayers would be getting a bargain at $5 billion per regime, considering the price tag of government sponsored regime change efforts in Yugoslavia, Afghanistan and Iraq, which are far in excess of $100 billion. The enabling technologies are new wireless protocols, detonators and explosives that ensure save and easy remote detonation. Demand is expected to increase as unit prices fall.

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Replies: 6 comments

Really, you give too much credit to O. Bin Ladin!

According to M. Aznar, previous Spanish Prime Minister, the attacks were realised by Gaia's operatives.

Gaia is decided in stopping the massive slaughters of toros in spanish corridas!

Think that after all that suffering, the meat is not even kosher!!

Best
Paul

Posted by Paul @ 03/16/2004 12:28 AM CST

Hi:
Can the US please outsource our president, I am sure many other world leaders would do a better job.

Posted by Karen @ 03/16/2004 02:18 AM CST

My my! Humor? On this site? Will wonders never cease?

Posted by mike levine @ 03/16/2004 02:43 PM CST

That is funny!

Posted by George @ 03/16/2004 07:07 PM CST

>>Notice - This is a satire. Any relation to persons, institutions or governments living or dead is purely intentional. <<

also a part of the satire?
abisel
istanbul

Posted by abisel @ 03/17/2004 08:17 AM CST

Hello. I am a Spaniard and I am still shocked by the 200-victims terror attacks in Madrid. We did not kick out the government becuase of an Al-Qaeda outsorcing but because our government lied to us regarding the authors (blaming ETA) for political advantage.

Posted by enric @ 03/18/2004 09:11 PM CST


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