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A modest proposal


MEWNEWS, Washington, DC, Aug. 7, 2003 --

In the wake of reports that the U.S. Department of Defense will provide an unnamed Iraqi with a promised $30 million bounty for information on the whereabouts of Uday and Qusay Hussein, experts are proposing that reward money be put to a wider array of uses in Iraq.

"So far, so good," noted Michael O'biquitous of the Triangulation Institution. "Given that the U.S. is running through about $3.9 billion a month in Iraq, it's cheap at the price. There are plenty of other people and things we can pay Iraqis to find, so we can kill them, too."

"At $15 million per son, the tally comes to 260 sons of Saddam per month," O'biquitous added. "It's money well spent."

Henry Ryan, Deputy Under Secretary of Defense for Creative Thinking, described a range of new ideas currently under consideration. "So far, we've approached Iraqi nuclear scientists with a strategy of alternating indifference and sudden midnight abductions. It's kept them off balance. But now we're thinking that we could start offering rewards for the location of the missing weapons of mass destruction."

Senior defense officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that a new five-dollar reward may soon be announced, to be paid to any Iraqi who can explain to coalition forces how to get to Iraq's Tuwaitha nuclear complex. "We'd like to post some 'IAEA Keep Out' signs on the gates, if we could ever find the place," one official said.

"It's just like the Policy Analysis Market, only turned on its head," said O'biquitous, referring to the Pentagon's abortive plans to sell futures in devastating terror attacks and the destabilization of friendly governments in sensitive regions. "Instead of paying out when stuff goes wrong, we'd pay out when stuff goes right."

According to Mr. Ryan, future rewards may be paid to anyone who can discover the whereabouts of Iraqi democracy. "This could leverage off the Administration's depth in the campaign finance field," observed American Enterprise Institute scholar J. Orne Normstein. "Possibly the suggestions that James Baker would go to Baghdad were premature. They might want him there in time for the elections, though."

Others were less enthusiastic. Said one diplomatic official, speaking on condition of anonymity, "Once they hand out the reward money for Saddam, it's going to be catch as catch can."


[Note: this satirical item was originally attributed to a fictititious "Coyote News." The author did not realize that there are a number of websites by this name. The article is copyright MidEastWeb.]

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by Analyst @ 11:12 PM CST [Link]


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