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MidEast Web Humor Page

WISDOM OF THE AGES

Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Ok, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria-they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having the sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future.Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory.Some don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever- so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, then kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo!Demand REAL poo!
Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disc?
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is definitelyNOT for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable...except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of Visa payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's a scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists - they won't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 % of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 % of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

 

KIDS

My friend, Dan was having problems with the computer system one night at work. He called the "emergency tech support" number, which was the home number of the office computer guy. Here is the conversation that followed:

Child (whisper): "Hello?"

Dan: "Is your Daddy home?"

Child (whisper): "Yes"

Dan: "May I talk with him?"

Child (whisper): "No."

Dan: "Is your Mommy there?"

Child (whisper): "Yes"

Dan: "May I talk with her?"

Child (whisper): "no".

Dan: "Is there any one there besides you?"

Child (whisper): "Yes. A policeman".

Dan: "May I speak with the policeman"?

Child (whisper): "No, he's busy", whispered the child.

Dan: "Busy doing what?

Child (whisper): "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman"

Dan: "What is that noise?"

Child (whisper): "A hello-copper"

Dan: "What is going on there?"

Child (whisper): "The search team just landed the hello-copper"

Dan: "Why are they there"?

Child (muffled giggle): "They're looking for me"

Nerds & Engineers

Comprehending Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want. "The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" The engineer, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Three

What's the difference between Engineers and Architects? Engineers build weapons, Architects build targets.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Four

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Five

 

"An Engineer and His Frog"

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

Rednecks

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? "Nice tooth!"

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? "There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?

A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?" The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied 'So, where ya'll from, bitch?';

How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

What is a Redneck's defense in court? "Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic. Why did God invent armadillos? So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.

Where was the toothbrush invented ? Arkansas. If it was invented anywhere else it have been called a teethbrush.

Work

Hone Your Marketing Skills

Subject: How to increase audience attention at meetings Do you keep falling asleep in meetings? Here's something to change all of that: BS BINGO!!!! How to play: Simply tick off 5 words (from the list below) in one meeting and shout out "BINGO!" It's that easy! Here are the words:

Synergy
Take that offline
Strategic fit
At the end of the day
Gap analysis
Best practice
Paradigm shift
The bottom line
Core business
Lessons learned
Touch base
Revisit
Game plan
Bandwidth
Hardball
Out of the loop
Go the extra mile
Benchmark
The big picture
Value-added
Movers and shakers
Ball park
Proactive, not reactive
Win-win situation
Think outside the box
Fast track
Result-driven
Empower employees
No blame
Stretch the envelope
Knowledge base
Total quality
Slippery slide
Ticks in boxes mindset
Knock-on effect
Put this one to bed
Client-focused
Quality-driven
Move the goal posts

HEARD FROM OTHER PLAYERS: * "I had only been in the meeting for five minutes when I yelled bingo." * "my attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." * "it's a breeze, meetings will never be the same for me after my first outright win." * "the atmosphere was tense at the last process workshop as 32 of us *"listened intently for the elusive 5th." * "the facilitator was stunned as we all screamed bingo for the 3rd time in 2 hours." * "I feel that the game has enhanced the overall quality of meetings per se on a quid pro quo basis." * "now people are listening even to mumblers, thanks to bs bingo."

First Name Basis

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is ."

 

Women Vs Men

Why Women Have it Made

We got off theTitanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

Our boy friend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

Taxis stop for us.

Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

We know The Truth about whether size matters.

New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.

We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.

If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

We have the ability to dress ourselves.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.

We'll never regret piercing our ears.

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.

We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

FUNERAL

A woman noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't restrain her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

"My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

"Could I borrow that dog?"

"Get in line."

Observations

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE  A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE  A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Updated when we feel like it.

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