MidEast Web Humor Pages
Maybe not everything can be solved with laughter - but it can't hurt. Feel free to pass on anything you see in these pages with credit to MidEast Web and our address or to link to http://www.mideastweb.org/humor.htm. Thanks for spreading the word. - Please contribute jokes as well.WISDOM OF THE AGES
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
KIDSMy friend, Dan was having problems with the computer system one night at work. He called the "emergency tech support" number, which was the home number of the office computer guy. Here is the conversation that followed:
Child (whisper): "Hello?"
Dan: "Is your Daddy home?"
Child (whisper): "Yes"
Dan: "May I talk with him?"
Child (whisper): "No."
Dan: "Is your Mommy there?"
Child (whisper): "Yes"
Dan: "May I talk with her?"
Child (whisper): "no".
Dan: "Is there any one there besides you?"
Child (whisper): "Yes. A policeman".
Dan: "May I speak with the policeman"?
Child (whisper): "No, he's busy", whispered the child.
Dan: "Busy doing what?
Child (whisper): "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman"
Dan: "What is that noise?"
Child (whisper): "A hello-copper"
Dan: "What is going on there?"
Child (whisper): "The search team just landed the hello-copper"
Dan: "Why are they there"?
Child (muffled giggle): "They're looking for me"Nerds & Engineers Comprehending Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want. "The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" The engineer, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."
Comprehending Engineers - Take Three
What's the difference between Engineers and Architects? Engineers build weapons, Architects build targets.
Comprehending Engineers - Take Four
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? "Nice tooth!"
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? "There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?
A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?" The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied 'So, where ya'll from, bitch?';
How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
What is a Redneck's defense in court? "Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic. Why did God invent armadillos? So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.
Where was the toothbrush invented ? Arkansas. If it was invented anywhere else it have been called a teethbrush.
Hone Your Marketing SkillsSubject: How to increase audience attention at meetings Do you keep falling asleep in meetings? Here's something to change all of that: BS BINGO!!!! How to play: Simply tick off 5 words (from the list below) in one meeting and shout out "BINGO!" It's that easy! Here are the words:
HEARD FROM OTHER PLAYERS: * "I had only been in the meeting for five minutes when I yelled bingo." * "my attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." * "it's a breeze, meetings will never be the same for me after my first outright win." * "the atmosphere was tense at the last process workshop as 32 of us *"listened intently for the elusive 5th." * "the facilitator was stunned as we all screamed bingo for the 3rd time in 2 hours." * "I feel that the game has enhanced the overall quality of meetings per se on a quid pro quo basis." * "now people are listening even to mumblers, thanks to bs bingo."
First Name Basis
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is ."
Women Vs Men
Why Women Have it Made
We got off theTitanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Our boy friend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
We know The Truth about whether size matters.
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
A woman noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't restrain her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
"My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."
NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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Version of Sepember 1
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