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Maybe not everything can be solved with laughter - but it can't hurt. Feel free to pass on anything you see in these pages with credit to MidEast Web and our address or to link to http://www.mideastweb.org/humor.htm. Thanks for spreading the word. - Please contribute jokes as well.

Edition of November 27, 1999. This includes several reference lists of quotes, trivia, iron laws (iron laws tend to rust..) All material in this edition contributed by Gill Ross.

Forgettable Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we shoul not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- Mariah Carey

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." --David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." --Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -- A congressional candidate in Texas

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others." --Gerry Brown

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another." -- George Bush, US President

"I have opinions of my own -strong opinions- but I don't always agree with them." --George Bush, US President

"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand." --Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

Please provide the date of your death." --from an IRS letter

I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes." --Richard Nixon, US President

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

"We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover." --Parish Magazine

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation." --Dan Quayle, US VP

"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it." --Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant

"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally." --Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything." -- Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel

I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of continents." --George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Dan Quayle

Tips on love by kids age 5-10.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5)

 

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)

 

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

 

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deoderant are so popular." (Jan, 9)

 

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

 

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

 

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

 

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

 

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

 

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)

 

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (michelle,9)

 

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy,8)

 

MENSA SPORTS HEROES

Basketball player Chris Washburn, commenting on his ability to drive to the basket, "Yeah, I can go to my right and my left. That's because I'm amphibious."

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh.

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." --Bill Peterson, football coach

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996

"You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

1992 - Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

1982 - Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

1991 - Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

1991 - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

1987 - Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Medieval Medicine

15. "Today class, let's open our convicted criminals to rib two."

14. "Don't bite it! You need to swallow it alive for it to work!"

13. "They should translate these obscure medical terms into something easy, like Latin."

12. "It may seem like pointless superstition to you youngsters, but I haven't washed these hands since my first delivery 37 years ago."

11. "What do you mean we're out of wild boar snout?!?"

10. "Headache? Take two spotted salamanders and call me in the morning."

9. "Arthur, Schmarthur. What kind of insurance dost thou have?"

8. "Verily, it would seem our instructor Master Bush knoweth not the name of *any* disease!"

7. "Goodwoman Thurmond, to you a son is born. 'Strom' shall he be called."

6. "Put down that dwarf and hand me the pliers!"

5. "Now, remove the speculum from the fire and insert it thusly..."

4. "No, no, push that yellow stuff back in. That's pus from the *good* fairy!"

3. "Good knight, thy speed at treating boils is unsurpassed in all the kingdom! Thou shalt be called 'Sir Lance-a-lot'."

2. "Come now Hypoglycies, how can too much sugar possibly be bad for you?"

1. "Gesundheit! Now be sure to wipe that off his liver."

Believe it or not

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Coca Cola was originally green.

Every day more money is printed for monopoly than the US Treasury.

The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

Men can read smaller print than women, women can hear better than men.

The city with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33

Cost of raising a medium sized dog to the age of 11: $6,400.

Average number of people airborne over the U.S. during any given hour: 61,000.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The youngest Pope was 11 years old.

First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades-King David, Clubs-Alexander the Great, Hearts-Charlemagne, and Diamonds-Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. "I do." Is the longest sentence in the world.

The term "whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got the "whole 9 yards".

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it is kissing the conveyor belt.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

Sayings of George Bernard Shaw

"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh."

- George Bernard Shaw

"Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it."

- George Bernard Shaw

"A man never tells you anything until you contradict him."

- George Bernard Shaw

"All great truths begin as blasphemies."

- George Bernard Shaw

"You see things as they are and ask, 'Why?' I dream things as they never were and ask, 'Why not?'"

- George Bernard Shaw

"Reasonable people adapt themselves to the world. Unreasonable people attempt to adapt the world to themselves. All progress, therefore, depends on unreasonable people."

- George Bernard Shaw

"Few of us have vitality enough to make any of our instincts imperious."

- George Bernard Shaw

 

BASIC LAWS EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW

AIRPLANE LAW: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF FORCE: Don't force it; get a larger hammer.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.

ANTHONY'S WORKSHOP COROLLARY: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.

ATWOOD'S FOURTEENTH COROLLARY: No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep.

BARTH'S DISTINCTION: There are two types of people, those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.

BIRD'S LAW: There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

BLAAUW'S LAW: Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.

BOLING'S POSTULATE: If you're feeling good don't worry, you'll get over it.

BOOB'S LAW: You ALWAYS find something in the last place you look.

BOREN'S FIRST LAW: When in doubt, mumble.

BOREN'S SECOND LAW: When in trouble, delegate.

BOREN'S THIRD LAW: When in charge, ponder.

BOVE'S THEOREM: The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.

BRIEN'S FIRST LAW: At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.

BROOK'S LAW: Adding manpower to a late project makes it later.

BROWNWORTH'S LAW: Any time things seem to be going better, you've overlooked something.

BUNUEL'S LAW: Overdoing things is harmful in all cases, even when it comes to efficiency.

CANADA BILL JONES' MOTTO: It's morally wrong to allow naive customers to keep their money.

CANN'S AXIOM: When all else fails, read the instructions.

CAPTAIN PENNY'S LAW: You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool MOM.

CHEOPS'S LAW: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

CHISOLM'S SECOND LAW: When things are going well, something will go wrong.

CHISOLM'S SECOND LAW COROLLARIES: When things can't get any worse, they will. Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

CHURCHILL'S COMMENTARY ON MAN: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he'll pick himself up and continue on.

CLARKE'S LAW OF REVOLUTIONARY IDEAS: Every revolutionary idea evokes 3 stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the 3 phrases: 1. "It is impossible - don't waste my time". 2. "It is possible, but it is not worth doing." 3. "I said it was a good idea all along."

CLARKE'S THIRD LAW: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

COLE'S LAW: Shredded Cabbage.

COMMONER'S SECOND LAW OF ECOLOGY: Nothing ever goes away.

CONWAY'S LAW: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

COOPER'S METALAW: A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.

CORNUELLE'S LAW: Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.

CRANE'S LAW: There is no such thing as a free lunch.

DEADLINE-DAN'S DEMO DEMONSTRATION: The higher the 'higher-ups' are who've come to see your presentation, the lower your chances of success.

DENNISTON'S LAW: Virtue is its own punishment.

DINGLE'S LAW: When somebody drops the ball, everybody else will kick it instead of picking it up.

DOW'S LAW: In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.

EHRMAN'S COMMENTARY: Things will get worse before they get better. Who said things would get better?

ETORRE'S OBSERVATION: The other line moves faster.

FARBER'S FOURTH LAW: Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.

FINAGLE'S FIRST LAW: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

FINAGLE'S SECOND LAW: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to misinterpret it, fake it, or believe it happened to his own pet theory.

FINAGLE'S THIRD LAW: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

FINAGLE'S RULES: 1. To study anything best, understand it thoroughly before you start. 2. Always keep a record of data, it indicates you've been working. 3. Always draw your curves, then plot your readings. 4. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 5. Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way. 6. Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

FINISTER'S LAW: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

FIRST LAW OF BICYCLING: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.

FIRST LAW OF BRIDGE: It's always the partner's fault.

FIRST LAW OF SOCIO-GENETICS: Celibacy is not hereditary.

FIRST LAW OF REVISION: Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to the designer after - and only after - the plans are complete.

FRANKLIN'S RULE: Blessed is the customer who expects nothing, for they will not be disappointed.

FROTHINGHAM'S FALLACY: Time is money.

GILB'S SECOND LAW OF UNRELIABILITY: Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.

GINSBERG'S THEOREM: 1. You can't win. 2. You can't break even. 3. You can't even quit the game.

GLATUM'S LAW OF MATERIALISTIC ACQUISITIVENESS: The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.

GOLD'S LAW: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES: Whoever has the gold, makes the rule.

GORDON'S FIRST LAW: If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well.

GRESHAM'S LAW: Trivial matters are handled promptly; important matters are never solved.

GUMMIDGE'S LAW: The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public.

GUMPERSON'S LAW: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirab ility.

HANDY GUIDE TO MODERN SCIENCE: 1. If it's green or it wriggles, it's Biology. 2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry. 3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

HARPERS MAGAZINE'S LAW: You never find a lost article until you replace it.

HARRIS'S LAMENT: All the good ones are taken.

HARTLEY'S FIRST LAW: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.

HEISENBERG UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE: The mere act of observing something changes the nature of the thing observed.

HELLER'S LAW: The first myth of management is that it exists.

HENDRICKSON'S LAW: If a problem causes many meetings, the meetings eventually become more important than the problem.

HOWE'S LAW: Every man has a scheme that will not work.

IBM POLLYANNA PRINCIPLE: Machines should work; people should think.

ILE'S LAW: There is always an easier way to do it.

IMHOFF'S LAW: The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank - the really big chunks always rise to the top.

IRON LAW OF DISTRIBUTION: Them that has, gets.

ISSAWI'S LAWS OF PROGRESS: Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse. Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between 2 points. Dialectics of Progress: Direct action produces direct reaction. Pace of Progress: Society is a mule, not a car. . . If pressed too hard, it will kick and throw off its rider.

JAY'S FIRST LAW OF LEADERSHIP: Changing things is central to leadership, and changing them before anyone else is creativeness.

JENKINSON'S LAW: It won't work.

JENNING'S COROLLARY: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down, is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

JOHN'S COLLATERAL COROLLARY: In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.

JOHNSON'S THIRD LAW: If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue which contained the article, story, or installment you were most anxious to read.

JOHNSON'S THIRD LAW COROLLARY: All of your friends either missed it, lost it or threw it out.

JOHNSON AND LAIRD'S LAW: Toothaches tend to start on Saturday night.

JONES'S MOTTO: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

JUHANI'S LAW: The compromise will always be more expensive than either of the suggestions it is compromising.

KATZ'S LAW: Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

KELLY'S REFORMATION: Nice guys don't finish nice.

KENNEDY CONSTANT: Don't get mad, get even.

LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer. 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 6. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

LAWS OF GARDENING: 1. Other people's tools only work in other people's gardens. 2. Fancy gizmo's don't work. 3. If nobady uses it, there's a reason. 4. You get the most of what you need least.

LAW OF THE PERVERSITY OF NATURE: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITY: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

LEWIS'S LAW: No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've purchased it it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

LORD FALKLAND'S RULE: When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision.

LOWERY'S LAW: If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

LUBARSKY'S LAW OF CYBERNETIC ENTOMOLOGY: There's always one more bug.

LYNCH'S LAW: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

MAIER'S LAW: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

McCLAUGHRY'S CODICIL TO JONES'S MOTTO: To make an enemy, do someone a favor.

MENCKEN'S LAW: Those who can - do; those who cannot - teach.

MIKSCH'S LAW: If a string has one end, then it has another end.

MILLER'S LAW: You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it.

MURPHY'S CONSTANT: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to it value.

MURPHY'S LAW: If something can go wrong, it will

MURPHY'S LAW COROLLARIES: 1. Nothing is as easy as it looks. 2. Everything takes longer than you think. 3. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. 4. If you perceive that there are 'n' possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent those, then a new way will promptly develop. 5. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 6. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first. 7. Every solution breeds new problems. 8. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so inge nious. 9. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 10. . Mother nature is a bitch.

MURPHY'S LAW, QUANTIZATION REVISION: Everything goes wrong all at once.

MURPHY'S LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS: Things get worse under pressure.

MURPHY'S PHILOSOPHY: Smile. . .tomorrow will be worse.

NIXON'S THEOREM: The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame.

NINETY-NINETY RULE OF PROJECT SCHEDULES: The first 90 per cent of the task takes 90 percent of the time, and the last 10 per cent takes the other 90 percent.

NOLAN'S PLACEBO: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

NON-RECIPROCAL LAWS OF EXPECTATIONS: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.

O'BRIEN'S PRINCIPLE ($357.73 THEOREM): Auditors always reject any expense account with a bottom line divisible by 5 or 10.

OLIVER'S LAW OF LOCATION: No matter where you go, there you are.

O'REILLY'S LAW OF THE KITCHEN: Cleanliness is next to impossible.

OSBORN'S LAW: Variables won't, constants aren't.

O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAW: Murphy was an Optimist.

PATTON'S LAW: A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

PARKER'S LAW: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

PARKINSON'S FIRST LAW: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.

PARKINSON'S SECOND LAW: Expenditures rise to meet income.

PARKINSON'S FOURTH LAW: The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.

PAUL'S LAW: You can't fall off the floor.

PAULG'S LAW: It's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.

PEER'S LAW: The solution to a problem changes the problem.

PERLSWEIG'S LAW: People who can least afford to pay rent, pay rent. People who can most afford to pay rent, build up equity.

PETER'S INVERSION: Internal consistency is valued more highly then efficient service.

PETER'S LAW OF SUBSTITUTION: Look after the molehills and the mountains will look after themselves.

PETER PRINCIPLE: In a Hierarchy, people will rise to their level of incompetence.

PETER PRINCIPLE COROLLARY: Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.

PINACLE'S LAW: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

PLUMBER'S LAW: Nothing is impossible for a man who doesn't have to do it himself.

PRINCIPLE CONCERNING MULTIFUNCTIONAL DEVICES: The fewer functions any device is required to perform, the more perfectly it can perform those functions.

PUDDER'S LAW: Anything that begins well, ends badly. Anything that begins badly, ends worse.

RAYBURN'S RULE: If you want to get along, go along.

RICHARD'S COMPLEMENTARY RULES OF OWNERSHIP: If you keep anything long enough you can throw it away. If you throw anything away, you will need it as soon as it is no longer accessible. If you have thrown it away, it will immediately increase in value

ROBERT E. LEE'S TRUCE: Judgement comes from experience; Experience comes from poor judgement.

RUDIN'S LAW: In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst possible one.

RULE OF FELINE FRUSTRATION: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.

RULE OF THE GREAT: When somebody you greatly admire and respect appears to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably ar thinking about lunch.

RULE OF THE WAY OUT: Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.

SATTINGER'S LAW: It works better if you plug it in.

SCHMIDT'S LAW: If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.

SCOTT'S FIRST LAW: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.

SCOTT'S SECOND LAW: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.

SEGAL'S LAW: A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

SHAW'S PRINCIPLE: Build something that even a fool could use, and only a fool will use it.

SIMON'S LAW: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.

SKINNER'S CONSTANT (FLANNAGAN'S FINAGLING FACTOR): That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten.

SNAFU EQUATIONS: 1. An object or bit of information most needed will be least available 2. Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible 3. Interchangeable devices won't. 4. Badness comes in waves. 5. In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else.

SODD'S FIRST LAW: When a person attempts a task, they will be thwarted in that task by the unconscious intervention of some other presence (animate or inanimate).

SODD'S FIRST LAW TASK COMPLETION THEOREM: Some tasks are completed since the intervening presence is itself attempting a task and is, of course, subject to interference.

SODD'S SECOND LAW: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.

STOCKMAYER'S THEOREM: If I looks easy, it's tough. If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.

STURGEON'S LAW: 90% of everything is crud.

SWIPPLE'S RULE OF ORDER: He who shouts loudest has the floor.

TERMAN'S LAW OF INNOVATION: If you want a track team to win the high jump, you find one person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump one foot.

TRUMAN'S LAW: If you can't convince them, confuse them.

ULTIMATE PRINCIPLE: By definition, when you are investigating the unknown you do not know what you will find.

THE UNSPEAKABLE LAW: As soon as you mention something, if it's good, it goes away, if it's bad, it happens.

WALLACE'S OBSERVATION: Everything is in a state of utter dishevelment.

WEILER'S LAW: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

WEINBURG'S LAW: If builders built buildings like programmers program programs, then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

WEINBURG'S COROLLARY: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

WHITE'S CHAPPAQUIDICK THEOREM: The sooner and in more detail you announce the bad news, the better.

WIKER'S LAW: Government expands to absorb revenue, and then some.

WINGO'S FINAGLE AXIOM: All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing without thinking.

WYSZKOWSKI'S SECOND LAW: Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.

ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEM DYNAMICS: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can.

ZYMURGY'S LAW OF VOLUNTEER LABOR: People are always available for work in the past tense.

Compiled by: Gary C. Kern (6/26/89)

Office Humor

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale improves."

A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way her mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in her brain.

I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

No one ever said "if I'd only spent more time in the office"

More Jokes here:

Computers and Engineering

Blondes, Animals, Trivia

Yet More Jokes

Even More Jokes

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